I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm relieved, I'm not at peace. I have settled for I'm tired and looking back over a battle that dad and I fought unsure if our cause was real. Only that you were real. And that's all we needed.
We had just gone in for a typical developmental eval, not even half way through? She told me the doc told me, no, I'm not doing this, we are doing the ados(autism test)"
I'm all 0.0 ok.
We had suspected.
We had guessed.
We had thought.
But you never know till you know.
September 4th 2013 Jairmie was diagnosed with autism.
April 8th, 2015. Today's date.
Today you were diagnosed with autism, just like your big brother.
It's funny I'm tearing up now, but not out of sadness. Sort of shock that it's over, and now we can start a new journey with the services you need.
I didn't cry when they told me. I did with little Jairmie. One thing is different this time: I know you will be ok.
I know autism is part of you, it informs who you are but you am no more just autism then I am just anxiety. It's a part of you. I know you will have friends, have meaning, and if you so choose, have a wife one day
I know autism is beautiful. It's just different. It's like a painting and a scupture. They're both art, and can both take your breath away, neither is wrong. Just different. Beautifully different
I love you so kaiden. Your autism is different from your brothers. You show your love for your family so fiercely and you, two months younger then when Jairmie was diagnosed, are talking, engaging those you know. Your making eye contact, your hugging. But your autistic. You have the anger that comes from living in a world not made for you, with a family just trying to love you. You lash out. You stem. You hurt yourself. You don't know how to interact with peers.
But you do hold our hearts so tightly.
Infront of you is a bright future. A future of endless possibilities. Some worry about you and your brother. I don't. You both can have anything. A future of friends, of family, of laughter, of love, of pain, of fear, of trials and joys. Life is a beautiful mess. It's no different neurotypical kids vs neurodiverse. It's chaos. But absorb it. Because it's beautiful.
Choose to love the life your given.
Be thankful for your strengths and vigilant in combatting your weaknesses
Push yourself
Believe in yourself
And ignore the idiots who doubt you.
The God above you has a flawless plan for you. Stand for him, and you may fail, at times, but you'll win at what matters
I love you.
I loved you before your diagnosis
I love you now.
More maybe. Because now I know YOU, better.
I am blessed to be your mother.
I can't wait to watch you grow. I can't wait to see all the places you can go.
I am honored to accompany you on this journey and to screw up sometimes, but
Always always always
Out of love.
Thank you, for being you. Perfect.
Perfectly Autisticlly you.
And know I'd never trade you, because you my sweet dear, are a gift! You are infact your brother courageous friend, and our second blessing, just as your name means.
I love you. Forever and a day.
