Your first year of school

My sweet little Kaiden, This is a big year for you! This year you started school. You have only gone 3 days and you love it. From day one you were consistently asking for school bus all day long after coming home. I know you just have a ton of fun with your teachers and the kids in your class. I cannot believe how far you have come. You are putting together short but full sentences. You are just as loving and cuddily as ever. You have an attitude little boy. You are vibrant, silly, and so much fun. I just wanted to stop in and tell you, my currently newly 3 year old boy, that i love you. I love you more then words could ever say. I love you so deeply, with a love so real and pure you will not be able to understand till you have your own child. You, my beautiful, smart, vibrant, silly, truck and dinosaur loving little boy, who begs for his school bus all day long but still lights up when he sees mommy come home from work, I love. And about you, I wouldnt change a thing, Love you always my little love, Mommy

Proud of you, my little

You have come so far. 

You have worked so hard.

I'm a little in denial, I can't believe my baby is three years old already. 

Oh your life has gone so fast already. 

I am so proud of you. You have started picking up words like it's easy as pie. You are getting smarter and working so hard. 

Oh my boy. My sweet boy.

You may feel different sometimes, it's cuz you are, but why would you want to be average? 

I can't wait to see what you become. 

I love you so much my sweet baby.

With your dimples, your smile, your great big hugs an sweet little kisses. The bond you share with your big brother ❤️

I really hope you know how precious you are to me. How proud I am that you are mine. 

I love you sweet kaiden. And I'm so proud that you are mine 

Today, we got to know a lil more about the real you.

My sweet Kaiden, I'm searching for words to articulate what is going on in my head.

I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm relieved, I'm not at peace. I have settled for I'm tired and looking back over a battle that dad and I fought unsure if our cause was real. Only that you were real. And that's all we needed.

We had just gone in for a typical developmental eval, not even half way through? She told me the doc told me, no, I'm not doing this, we are doing the ados(autism test)" 

I'm all 0.0 ok. 

We had suspected. 

We had guessed. 

We had thought.

But you never know till you know. 

September 4th 2013 Jairmie was diagnosed with autism.

April 8th, 2015. Today's date. 

Today you were diagnosed with autism, just like your big brother. 

It's funny I'm tearing up now, but not out of sadness. Sort of shock that it's over, and now we can start a new journey with the services you need.

I didn't cry when they told me. I did with little Jairmie. One thing is different this time: I know you will be ok. 

I know autism is part of you, it informs who you are but you am no more just autism then I am just anxiety. It's a part of you. I know you will have friends, have meaning, and if you so choose, have a wife one day

I know autism is beautiful. It's just different. It's like a painting and a scupture. They're both art, and can both take your breath away, neither is wrong. Just different. Beautifully different 

I love you so kaiden. Your autism is different from your brothers. You show your love for your family so fiercely and you, two months younger then when Jairmie was diagnosed, are talking, engaging those you know.  Your making eye contact, your hugging. But your autistic. You have the anger that comes from living in a world not made for you, with a family just trying to love you. You lash out.  You stem. You hurt yourself. You don't know how to interact with peers.

But you do hold our hearts so tightly. 

Infront of you is a bright future. A future of endless possibilities. Some worry about you and your brother. I don't. You both can have anything. A future of friends, of family, of laughter, of love, of pain, of fear, of trials and joys. Life is a beautiful mess. It's no different neurotypical kids vs neurodiverse. It's chaos. But absorb it. Because it's beautiful. 

Choose to love the life your given.

Be thankful for your strengths and vigilant  in combatting your weaknesses 

Push yourself 

Believe in yourself

And ignore the idiots who doubt you.

The God above you has a flawless plan for you. Stand for him, and you may fail, at times, but you'll win at what matters 

I love you. 

I loved you before your diagnosis

I love you now.

More maybe. Because now I know YOU, better. 

I am blessed to be your mother. 

I can't wait to watch you grow. I can't wait to see all the places you can go. 

I am honored to accompany you on this journey and to screw up sometimes, but

Always always always

Out of love. 

Thank you, for being you. Perfect.

Perfectly Autisticlly you. 

And know I'd never trade you, because you my sweet dear, are a gift! You are infact your brother courageous friend, and our second blessing, just as your name means. 

I love you. Forever and a day. 

Why I never gave up

I'm just a mom. I'm just your mom. People like to put me on a pedistol because I'm a special needs mom and they could "never be as strong as me" 

But they'd be surprised. 

They would have given up, they say. 

But they wouldn't have. 

See to me your not a child with special needs, your simply my child. My child who happens to have profound delays, my child who is different. Who needs therapy, who needs a lil more tough love at times, but mostly, you really are just my baby! 

How do you do it? They ask. 

How have you not lost it? Not given up? 

But how could I. Through the constant fits and ever busy schedule, all I see is my beautiful, smart, sweet special little boy. With his big blue eyes, his dimples smile, his sweet blonde hair. 

How could anyone turn their back on what is so obviously a gift? A precious miracle! 

Why don't I give up? It's not cuz it's so easy, it's not cuz I have never cried and it's not cuz it's not a fight. It is. But you my sweet boy are definitely worth fighting for and standing with. I am so proud of

How hard you have worked. How loving you are. How precious you are. I am so blessed by you! 

So how could I ever give up? In your eyes I see promise, I see joy, but most importantly I see love. Your my baby and I love you more then you could possibly know. 

And my boy you never give up on love.

Look at how far you have come

It's late November 2014, and in the last month, you have came so far. 

In fact, in the last month you have doubled your word count for the last two years. You have been more bonded, we have seen some improvements in attitude. Kaiden you are a rock star

We have always been proud of you, always, but it makes my heart soar, knowing you want to communicate now. That you want to bond more. You now want hugs and cuddles, you enjoy being talked to. You are so exploritative

Your also head strong and onery which gets you in a bit of trouble every now and then, just like your Moma.  I am so incredibly proud of you. So very proud. To see you shed your shell a bit and just be social, happy, and babbling is such a blessing! You have no idea! 

I don't have much time, cuz

You will wake from your nap soon but Kaidn I am so proud, and I believe in you, as I always have, with every fiber of my soul

My sweet boy, God made you

My sweet Kaiden Wyatt, you must know something, God made you. 

He made you a little different, a little slow, and that's ok, infact it's beautiful. You my sweet love were diagnosed a year ago with a Global Developmental Delay and according to the doctors are more likely to be autistic(which we don't see, but that's ok). 

You are wonderfully kaiden. Onery, silly, loud, goofy, moody, bouncy, and just so sweet. God made you as you are. 

You were never an after thought, you were planned down to the last detail. Big blue eyes, cute little dimples, bright blonde hair, a big smile and a temper to match it. :). You were made with purpose! 

For your life God has a plan. 

My sweet boy, I see you struggling to communicate. I see how hard and exhausting it is. I see you having a hard time with small movements and I see you struggling to keep up with people your age. I see it all. But I also see the beauty in each new word, the excitement at each block stacked, the giggle as your brother teaches you. I see for you a bright future. 

In many ways your road has been harder then your brothers. You had a lot more to overcome them he did. A year 2 weeks ago today(and you are 2years and 4 months old) you had just started standing

And wobbling towards a step. You have come through so much in this year and younger so strong! So with this delay God gave you something else: tenacity and Perserverance. 

Lord knows how proud I am of you my sweet Kaiden. You were made with a purpose, given an up hill battle from the start, but I truely with everything in mebelieve  this battle you face is giving you strength for the great things your meant to do later in your life. 

My sweet Kaiden, you were made By God for a purpose, and don't you dare forget how special you are. Because your one of a kind, a miracle, and I am so be blessed you and your brother are mine. 

Mommy and daddy love you sweet Kaiden 

Oh my little go getter.

You don't give up! It's precious to me! How much do I love you?!? I am just in awe of you. You are trying to learn to dress yourself now! And you sat there for 20 minutes earlier trying an trying and wen you failed? Who care? Just keep trying! This was your end product (you are quite pleased with this) 

And you know what so am I. Yes that's a shirt, a pair of shorts, and 2 legs in one leg of a 2nd pair of shorts, it's amazing to me though, the gumption you have! The effort you put in. Your concentration! You are only 2 years old! 2!!!! And yet look at you now! How hard you try. If fills mommys heart with pride! And you have more new words this week no, and shoe! Simply amazed by your progress. By your sweet spirit. It's such a blessing to be your moma!!!! 

Kaiden Wyatt you amaze me! I am so lucky you are mine! Oh how far you will go with that much perserverance!